Life Lesson: Literally Everyone Likes to Take Selfies

Life Lesson 7,250: Do not, under any circumstances, leave technology unattended in the presence of pets.

Look, guys. I know about half the Internet twitches with outrage at the title of this blog post. I questioned it myself*. But then I learned this lesson for real.

*No I didn’t. All my best pictures are selfies because I would never, ever let anyone else take eighteen pictures of me in a dinosaur costume. I do have SOME pride, people.

The hard way.

I want to show you something. And it may shock you.

My phone was covered in cat drool.

“Oh, hai Internet. I can haz selfie skills.”

This is the selfie my cat managed to take of herself. Because, you know, clearly I wasn’t taking enough pictures of her. Animals don’t even need us anymore. It’s like Animal Farm, but with more technology, and probably called Animal Myspace.

We can’t let that happen. It’s just awkward for everyone.

So it’s really important to know one thing: if you leave your phone on the couch, your cat will learn to take pictures of herself using her face.

I can’t even add a completely different thought at the end of this blog post. I’m too shocked, horrified, and concerned for the future of us all.

Life Lesson: Insults with Class

Life Lesson 7,249: “You’re a Mean One, Mister Grinch” makes insulting people in daily conversation easy AND fun.

So here’s the deal. Sometimes, I say things to people that are not nice.*

*Just kidding, Mom. Also, please stop reading this now. It’s only going downhill from here.

Sometimes, I have been accused of vicious sarcasm. Worse, periodically, I actively choose to insult people.** Mostly, I make it my mission to insult them without making them angry at me. I have a tendency to get away with this, as I am blonde**** and look harmless. Apparently this gives people the impression that I’m always just being funny and am never actually angry at anyone.

**Only the deserving.***
***People who don’t read my blog.

****Look inherently too brain-damaged and simple for cunning insultry.

And while some of my best material has been gleaned from movies, like Blade Trinity***** the truth is, my greatest source of perplexing insultry has always been “You’re a Mean One, Mister Grinch.”

*****If you don’t know the insult I’m talking about, you need to go watch the movie.

I mean, think about it. This classic children’s song is a handy guide to rarely-used insults that will leave people both wounded and confused. When used in daily conversation outside of the month of December, no one has any idea what you’re talking about.

Let’s look at some of these gems:

“You really are a heel”

Lookit! I can draw toes!

Because few things are more insulting that foot anatomy.

As a child, I took this to mean “you’re totally the end of a loaf of bread.”****** It’s only now, in my adult years, that I understand that people just happen to think feet are gross.*******

******Obviously the most disgusting part. It’s all crust. Children HATE crust.
*******I am actively choosing to ignore the fact that this clearly originated from the meanings “low point” and “contemptible person.”  Because it’s no fun to be accurate on the Internet.

“You’re as charming as an eel.”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I cannot draw anything as terrifying as this.
Click for source and science.

This pretty much speaks for itself. Eels are terrifying. HOWEVER, by including the word “charming,” people automatically think that you’re complimenting them, and you’re off the hook.

 “You’re as cuddly as a cactus,”

Cacti hate cuddles

It is key to recognize cactus cuddling as a mistake BEFORE commencing the hug.

Don’t hug cacti. Even the fuzzy looking ones. They are not fuzzy. And therefore, this is an ideal insult. Basically it’s saying “I want to hug you because you look fuzzy, but I know it’s a lie. You’re a liar.”

“Your heart’s an empty hole.”

Mmm...chocolates

What, do you NOT picture an empty chocolate box for this line in the song? Is it just me?
Crap, it’s just me.

If people get mad at you for using this insult, just pretend you were expressing medical concern.

“You have termites in your smile.”

Wooden Teeth: A universally bad idea

It is difficult to draw termites and not have them look like braces. Also: Don’t invest in wooden teeth

This one is OBVIOUSLY a double insult. But if you say it in a concerned tone of voice, people check their teeth.******** Which is funny.

********I’m serious. They will. It’s instinct.

“You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile.”

I'm just being honest about it.

I’m just being honest about it.

Much like calling someone “charming,” the inclusion of “tender sweetness” ensures that people will stop listening to your insult before you get to the insulting bit. You’re off the hook.

“You nauseate me”

The bathroom is a ROOM OF PRIVACY

Sometimes you should just be honest with the people who follow you into the bathroom.

“Your heart is full of unwashed socks”

Ew ew ew

This is not a good place to keep socks. Clean OR dirty.

And my all-time favorite:

“Your brain is full of spiders,”

I write about spiders a lot

Seriously. Ew. Also, it’s like a thousand times worse than that story where a spider laid eggs in a lady’s face.

Now, I have accused a plethora of people of having spiders in their brains. It’s worked out well for me. In part because people are more confused than insulted. And when that happens, they don’t get mad at you. It gets all the insulting out of your system, without all the hurt feelings after. Win-win!

In other news, that guy who uses his bajillionaire powers for good made Jurassic Park a real thing.

DINOSAURS

Click for amazing, amazing source

It’s a DINOSAUR THEME PARK.

This marks a historic moment in time, guys. This marks the official moment when there is finally a romantic replacement for the “Jaws popping out of the water at Universal Studios” proposal.

Finally.

Life Lesson: Cookies Are the Food of the Devil

Life Lesson 6,119: Nothing is ever as easy as the Internet says it is.

Alternate Title: I Had Writer’s Block All Weekend and So You’re Getting a Classic Life Lesson

I tried very hard to have an amusing weekend for your benefit, but when I sat down to write about my adventures, it turned out that I wanted to watch Love Actually Instead. So now I share with you a classic life lesson, and the true story behind it.

In my previous job, I had to find interesting things on the Internet to lure people to our social media page. Really, that translates to: People paid me to stumble around the Internet looking for appropriate entertainment.

What I found, on one particularly tragic day, was a recipe for Pinata cookies.*

*Because cookies are not enough sugar for people, these are cookies filled with an abundance of tiny candies to contribute to your long-term goal of diabetes.

Pinata cookies are the devil

My artistic skills honestly do not extend beyond stick figures. But this time, colored markers were involved.

I decided in that very second that I would make those cookies. I mean, I have baking skills**, and there was a work potluck coming up. What better way to impress my friends and coworkers with my sweet domestic-skills dominance than with a cookie surprise***? I took the time to show all my immediate coworkers the cookie brilliance, and declare that I would be bringing this genius creation to the potluck.

**I decided this at that very second, too.
***Diabetes

The potluck was a week away from that point.

I completely forgot about the cookies.

My clocks are the real key here

Shop Smart. Shop S*Mart.

But don’t worry. I was, in fact, literally on my way out the door when my benevolent coworkers**** reminded me about my cookie-related promise.

****with their completely selective memories.

But don’t worry. I totally remembered my baking skills, and didn’t panic at all. In fact, I didn’t even bother to read the recipe before I went to the store and bought whatever I felt like as ingredients. And I didn’t read the recipe before I decided what time to make the cookies.

My hat!

Did you know my dad made me study College Algebra for like, three summers in a row? In middle school? This is relevant here. Because fractions.

And then I doubled it*****.And then I divided in into thirds******. At this point, I was still feeling very confident in my skills.

*****Maybe? Really I just threw some ingredients in a bowl, and then decided I needed more. That’s how recipes work, right?
******Ish. Thirds-ish. 

See? I took real pictures too

This is what “thirds-ish” looks like, represented by this here pink dough.

Things hadn’t even begun to get tense yet. Why should I be tense? It’s just cookies. Everyone loves cookies.

Every moment is made better with Journey

When in doubt, dancing alone in the kitchen solves every problem. Or makes everything worse. One of those two things is true.

I really did take a dance break. Because I was feeling like a winner. It just happened to be during my dance break that I caught sight of the clock. It was 10 o’clock. At night.

And I hadn’t even begun baking the actual cookies yet. The dough was still chilling.

But I did bake the cookies.

Pinata cookies are the devil

Seriously. They were everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

And then I assembled the cookies.

Cookie mountains are not as fun as you think.

As it happens, I don’t have a “burro-shaped” cookie cutter. I don’t even have a donkey shaped one. What I have is a single, circle-shaped cookie cutter. It’s called “a cup”.

I didn’t get to bed until 4 in the morning. For something that ultimately tastes like a sugar cookie and a handful of M&Ms.

The recipe had said these were “simple” and “fun.”

The Internet: Giant Liar

IT LIES!! IT LIES!!!!!

And also, I do all my artwork on binder paper.

It’s also probably required that I share with you the final product:

Pinata Cookies. Still Evil

The Final Product

They tasted like sugar cookies and a handful of M&Ms.

And nearly made me hate cookies.

But they were super popular at the potluck.

Life Lesson: Giving Advice Is Super Hard

Life Lesson 7,190: Quoting Journey songs in a serious tone of voice is not the same as imparting sage advice.

(Unless the person you’re talking to doesn’t catch on – then it’s totally the same as offering high-quality words of wisdom.)

Sorry Tom Cruise

How is this not the same thing as imparting sage wisdom?
I still haven’t learned my own life lesson.

I have an unhealthy relationship with Journey. Like, I really, truly love them. Their songs bring me joy rivaled only by small children on Christmas morning. I didn’t grow up listening to them – my Dad preferred the very essential musical education staples of Black Sabbath, Alice Cooper, Pink Floyd and Rush (which is probably why I have such excellent taste in music, and such an expansive knowledge about necrophilia-related lyrics.)

Sorry Mr. Cooper. I wasn't exactly an _artiste_.  It was totally true love, y'all.

Sorry Mr. Cooper. I wasn’t exactly an _artiste_.
It was totally true love, y’all.

But one day, late in my high school days, I discovered them.

The dulcet tones of their quintessential hit, Don’t Stop Believin’, convinced me that I could dance for a week straight. It was a really confusing week. Confusing and amazing.

But even more importantly than discovering that there was, in fact, music that a rhythm-less girl could move to, was learning that their lyrics are totally deep and multipurpose. By sharing such key statements as any way YOU want it, that’s the way YOU need it, and just not to stop believing, Journey’s lyrics transformed my young, impressionable mind into a fount of wisdom.

Love, True Love

Those faces are just so trustworthy and knowledgeable.
Click for the original image, which is mercifully free of MS Paint.

Or at least that’s what i thought. I’d like to share a few times I used Journey in the real world.

  • I advised strangers on the BART train not to stop believing when they looked sad.
  • I soulfully gazed into the eyes of conflicted friends and told them “Well, try and make up your mind” (A sweet lyric from “You’re On Your Own.”).
  • I confess, I lashed out during a particularly ridiculous breakup with “You make me weep and wanna die. Just when you said we’d try!” (From “Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin'”)*
  • I shrugged as I told a traveler friend “They say that the road ain’t no place to start a family” as she worked through a recent breakup.

*In my defense, I really just wanted to see if I could get away with it. If we were really meant to be together, OBVIOUSLY he would have recognized the sweet words of Journey, and trusted their wise advice. Needless to say, things were over.

I still think all of the above sound both applicable and wise. However, with the advent of Google, people started catching me in my words-of-advice-reapplication. And that is when I learned that you cannot simply reapply song lyrics – no matter how amazing – into sage life advice.

Apparently.

Here is a picture of a sunset to sooth your Friday woes:

Oops. I did it again.

Just remember: Love’s like a sunshower

This life lesson is old. In fact, it probably should be numbered somewhere in the 5,000s, but I learned it several times before I bothered to write it down.

Life Lesson: Trying to be Normal Makes Me Weirder

Life Lesson 7,247:

Listening to Talk Radio while you’re in the shower does not convince anyone that you are a normal adult.

Most people probably don’t believe me, but I’ve spent a really absurd amount of my life thinking up ways to be a more “normal” adult.*

*Because that is definitely a sign of normalcy. As is, of course, this.

When I was a small child, I read very large books, convinced that adults would take me more seriously and I would be viewed as the most normal, well-adjusted child.

Seriously - Thanks!

Look. In my defense, I was like, 6 when I developed this theory. Also, my parents had me convinced it was cool to be smart. _Thanks_, parents.

This tactic did not work. As it turns out, reading very large, literary books when you are very small makes you a total weirdo. Both adults and other children will perceive you this way. Probably because you smell like a library and can define “supercilious.”

As an adult, I turned to Talk Radio (specifically NPR) to help me be perceived as both intelligent and normal. What could be better than having someone tell me all about current events and wars and new music and pop culture? I determined that listening to it in the shower every morning was even more brilliant, because by the time my work day started, I was completely** informed about the happenings of the world.

**20 minutes worth of informed.

It has taken be about 6 years of adulthood*** for me to realize this tactic also does not work. Instead of being viewed as charming, informed, and normal, people view me as knowing an abnormal amount about things like horrifying wars and interviews with obscure geniuses from foreign lands.

***Adulthood, of course, not starting until the point after college graduation where your liver has healed FROM college.

In other words, NPR is totally awesome, but it makes you weirder than you were before.

Also, they have Sandwich Mondays.

It's kind of amazing I'm not fired

As a reward for learning a life lesson, here is a Post-It Note Confession that I randomly left, unsigned, on a coworker’s desk. Because I’m _normal_.