Life Lesson: Cookies Are the Food of the Devil

Life Lesson 6,119: Nothing is ever as easy as the Internet says it is.

Alternate Title: I Had Writer’s Block All Weekend and So You’re Getting a Classic Life Lesson

I tried very hard to have an amusing weekend for your benefit, but when I sat down to write about my adventures, it turned out that I wanted to watch Love Actually Instead. So now I share with you a classic life lesson, and the true story behind it.

In my previous job, I had to find interesting things on the Internet to lure people to our social media page. Really, that translates to: People paid me to stumble around the Internet looking for appropriate entertainment.

What I found, on one particularly tragic day, was a recipe for Pinata cookies.*

*Because cookies are not enough sugar for people, these are cookies filled with an abundance of tiny candies to contribute to your long-term goal of diabetes.

Pinata cookies are the devil

My artistic skills honestly do not extend beyond stick figures. But this time, colored markers were involved.

I decided in that very second that I would make those cookies. I mean, I have baking skills**, and there was a work potluck coming up. What better way to impress my friends and coworkers with my sweet domestic-skills dominance than with a cookie surprise***? I took the time to show all my immediate coworkers the cookie brilliance, and declare that I would be bringing this genius creation to the potluck.

**I decided this at that very second, too.

The potluck was a week away from that point.

I completely forgot about the cookies.

My clocks are the real key here

Shop Smart. Shop S*Mart.

But don’t worry. I was, in fact, literally on my way out the door when my benevolent coworkers**** reminded me about my cookie-related promise.

****with their completely selective memories.

But don’t worry. I totally remembered my baking skills, and didn’t panic at all. In fact, I didn’t even bother to read the recipe before I went to the store and bought whatever I felt like as ingredients. And I didn’t read the recipe before I decided what time to make the cookies.

My hat!

Did you know my dad made me study College Algebra for like, three summers in a row? In middle school? This is relevant here. Because fractions.

And then I doubled it*****.And then I divided in into thirds******. At this point, I was still feeling very confident in my skills.

*****Maybe? Really I just threw some ingredients in a bowl, and then decided I needed more. That’s how recipes work, right?
******Ish. Thirds-ish. 

See? I took real pictures too

This is what “thirds-ish” looks like, represented by this here pink dough.

Things hadn’t even begun to get tense yet. Why should I be tense? It’s just cookies. Everyone loves cookies.

Every moment is made better with Journey

When in doubt, dancing alone in the kitchen solves every problem. Or makes everything worse. One of those two things is true.

I really did take a dance break. Because I was feeling like a winner. It just happened to be during my dance break that I caught sight of the clock. It was 10 o’clock. At night.

And I hadn’t even begun baking the actual cookies yet. The dough was still chilling.

But I did bake the cookies.

Pinata cookies are the devil

Seriously. They were everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

And then I assembled the cookies.

Cookie mountains are not as fun as you think.

As it happens, I don’t have a “burro-shaped” cookie cutter. I don’t even have a donkey shaped one. What I have is a single, circle-shaped cookie cutter. It’s called “a cup”.

I didn’t get to bed until 4 in the morning. For something that ultimately tastes like a sugar cookie and a handful of M&Ms.

The recipe had said these were “simple” and “fun.”

The Internet: Giant Liar


And also, I do all my artwork on binder paper.

It’s also probably required that I share with you the final product:

Pinata Cookies. Still Evil

The Final Product

They tasted like sugar cookies and a handful of M&Ms.

And nearly made me hate cookies.

But they were super popular at the potluck.