Life Lesson 6,119: Nothing is ever as easy as the Internet says it is.

Alternate Title: I Had Writer’s Block All Weekend and So You’re Getting a Classic Life Lesson

I tried very hard to have an amusing weekend for your benefit, but when I sat down to write about my adventures, it turned out that I wanted to watch Love Actually Instead. So now I share with you a classic life lesson, and the true story behind it.

In my previous job, I had to find interesting things on the Internet to lure people to our social media page. Really, that translates to: People paid me to stumble around the Internet looking for appropriate entertainment.

What I found, on one particularly tragic day, was a recipe for Pinata cookies.*

*Because cookies are not enough sugar for people, these are cookies filled with an abundance of tiny candies to contribute to your long-term goal of diabetes.

My artistic skills honestly do not extend beyond stick figures. But this time, colored markers were involved.

I decided in that very second that I would make those cookies. I mean, I have baking skills**, and there was a work potluck coming up. What better way to impress my friends and coworkers with my sweet domestic-skills dominance than with a cookie surprise***? I took the time to show all my immediate coworkers the cookie brilliance, and declare that I would be bringing this genius creation to the potluck.

**I decided this at that very second, too.
***Diabetes

The potluck was a week away from that point.

I completely forgot about the cookies.

Shop Smart. Shop S*Mart.

But don’t worry. I was, in fact, literally on my way out the door when my benevolent coworkers**** reminded me about my cookie-related promise.

****with their completely selective memories.

But don’t worry. I totally remembered my baking skills, and didn’t panic at all. In fact, I didn’t even bother to read the recipe before I went to the store and bought whatever I felt like as ingredients. And I didn’t read the recipe before I decided what time to make the cookies.

Did you know my dad made me study College Algebra for like, three summers in a row? In middle school? This is relevant here. Because fractions.

And then I doubled it*****.And then I divided in into thirds******. At this point, I was still feeling very confident in my skills.

*****Maybe? Really I just threw some ingredients in a bowl, and then decided I needed more. That’s how recipes work, right?
******Ish. Thirds-ish. 

This is what “thirds-ish” looks like, represented by this here pink dough.

Things hadn’t even begun to get tense yet. Why should I be tense? It’s just cookies. Everyone loves cookies.

When in doubt, dancing alone in the kitchen solves every problem. Or makes everything worse. One of those two things is true.

I really did take a dance break. Because I was feeling like a winner. It just happened to be during my dance break that I caught sight of the clock. It was 10 o’clock. At night.

And I hadn’t even begun baking the actual cookies yet. The dough was still chilling.

But I did bake the cookies.

Seriously. They were everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

And then I assembled the cookies.

As it happens, I don’t have a “burro-shaped” cookie cutter. I don’t even have a donkey shaped one. What I have is a single, circle-shaped cookie cutter. It’s called “a cup”.

I didn’t get to bed until 4 in the morning. For something that ultimately tastes like a sugar cookie and a handful of M&Ms.

The recipe had said these were “simple” and “fun.”

IT LIES!! IT LIES!!!!!

And also, I do all my artwork on binder paper.

It’s also probably required that I share with you the final product:

The Final Product

They tasted like sugar cookies and a handful of M&Ms.

And nearly made me hate cookies.

But they were super popular at the potluck.