Life Lesson: Giving Advice Is Super Hard

Life Lesson 7,190: Quoting Journey songs in a serious tone of voice is not the same as imparting sage advice.

(Unless the person you’re talking to doesn’t catch on – then it’s totally the same as offering high-quality words of wisdom.)

Sorry Tom Cruise

How is this not the same thing as imparting sage wisdom?
I still haven’t learned my own life lesson.

I have an unhealthy relationship with Journey. Like, I really, truly love them. Their songs bring me joy rivaled only by small children on Christmas morning. I didn’t grow up listening to them – my Dad preferred the very essential musical education staples of Black Sabbath, Alice Cooper, Pink Floyd and Rush (which is probably why I have such excellent taste in music, and such an expansive knowledge about necrophilia-related lyrics.)

Sorry Mr. Cooper. I wasn't exactly an _artiste_.  It was totally true love, y'all.

Sorry Mr. Cooper. I wasn’t exactly an _artiste_.
It was totally true love, y’all.

But one day, late in my high school days, I discovered them.

The dulcet tones of their quintessential hit, Don’t Stop Believin’, convinced me that I could dance for a week straight. It was a really confusing week. Confusing and amazing.

But even more importantly than discovering that there was, in fact, music that a rhythm-less girl could move to, was learning that their lyrics are totally deep and multipurpose. By sharing such key statements as any way YOU want it, that’s the way YOU need it, and just not to stop believing, Journey’s lyrics transformed my young, impressionable mind into a fount of wisdom.

Love, True Love

Those faces are just so trustworthy and knowledgeable.
Click for the original image, which is mercifully free of MS Paint.

Or at least that’s what i thought. I’d like to share a few times I used Journey in the real world.

  • I advised strangers on the BART train not to stop believing when they looked sad.
  • I soulfully gazed into the eyes of conflicted friends and told them “Well, try and make up your mind” (A sweet lyric from “You’re On Your Own.”).
  • I confess, I lashed out during a particularly ridiculous breakup with “You make me weep and wanna die. Just when you said we’d try!” (From “Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin'”)*
  • I shrugged as I told a traveler friend “They say that the road ain’t no place to start a family” as she worked through a recent breakup.

*In my defense, I really just wanted to see if I could get away with it. If we were really meant to be together, OBVIOUSLY he would have recognized the sweet words of Journey, and trusted their wise advice. Needless to say, things were over.

I still think all of the above sound both applicable and wise. However, with the advent of Google, people started catching me in my words-of-advice-reapplication. And that is when I learned that you cannot simply reapply song lyrics – no matter how amazing – into sage life advice.


Here is a picture of a sunset to sooth your Friday woes:

Oops. I did it again.

Just remember: Love’s like a sunshower

This life lesson is old. In fact, it probably should be numbered somewhere in the 5,000s, but I learned it several times before I bothered to write it down.

Public Service Announcement #32

Watch Out for Earthquakes

Now, contextually, I realize that a girl living in the South seems singularly unqualified to advise anyone about earthquake survival techniques. At this point, I must remind you: I’m a Californian at heart. My schools had earthquake drills while Nebraskanites practiced Tornado dodging and Vermonsters stocked up for future blizzards.

In other words, I am clearly qualified to provide top-notch, totally legitimate advice on how to keep from spontaneously combusting when the earth gets jiggy with it. *

*Sorry. I haven’t gotten to Google anything for anyone in awhile. This seemed like an excellent time to point out that you can Google almost anything and get results. The Internet is a hive mind, y’all.

A Simple Guide To Surviving An Earthquake**

Don't do this.

Really, I’m only transcribing what I remember from earthquake drills in school. Or maybe I was possibly taking a nap at the time and this is what I remember. Anyway: FOLLOW DIRECTIONS, guys.

Step 1: Always work in a defensive, seated posture. On a roll-y chair preferably. For safety.

Step 2: When the ground begins to shake, flail your arms wildly. Be sure to knock over any work-related apparatus that is in easy reach. Roll backwards in your chair and scream loudly, to helpfully warn your coworkers about the earthquake. They may not have noticed.

I think it's the whiteout that sells the level of effort I've invested in this.

Two things: 1) I just noticed that most of the time when I draw stick figures, I make them dance, and 2) Coworkers are _always_ impractical.
(I think it’s the whiteout that sells the level of effort I’ve invested in this.)

Step 3: Notice that the earth has great rhythm, Now is a perfect time to start dancing. This will help your fellow employees remain calm. Nobody wants to cause a panic. When this is over, you will be commended for your heroism.

BONUS! Boogeying helps you avoid dangerous falling objects!

Step 4: STOP. It is time to check your smartphone for other signs of the apocalypse. Be sure not to exit the building. The world outside is probably dangerous. Your coworkers are being impractical. Be sure to log into Facebook: In case of emergencies, it is it the most factual source of information.

I should take an art class

I may have taken the time to modernize this survival approach from original school instruction techniques. You’re welcome.
(You can’t really tell, but that’s totally a karate-kid, end-of-the-world ass-kicking bandananananana that my carefully drawn stick figure is wearing.
You WISH you had my art skills. I should have been an illustrator.)

Note: Be sure to stay away from doors and windows if Facebook and/or Twitter either mention signs of the apocalypse, or if your newsfeed is mysteriously absent of any mentions of a natural disaster.

Step 5: Outfit yourself to handle the impending breakdown of society. Stockpile weapons and food. If time allows, build a desk fort.*

*If building has collapsed in initial ground shaking, disregard steps 2 through 5.

I hope this PSA helps at least some of you survive the next earthquake. Much of this advice was gathered from research performed on how my coworkers here in the south attempted to deal with the planet wobbling. It was a very informative experience.

**Some of you may remember this PSA from a Facebook Album I did. Good job knowing me for so long, but stop stalking me. It’s creepy.***

***Amazing. Totally amazing. It makes me feel like I’m Internet famous!