Watch Out for Earthquakes
Now, contextually, I realize that a girl living in the South seems singularly unqualified to advise anyone about earthquake survival techniques. At this point, I must remind you: I’m a Californian at heart. My schools had earthquake drills while Nebraskanites practiced Tornado dodging and Vermonsters stocked up for future blizzards.
In other words, I am clearly qualified to provide top-notch, totally legitimate advice on how to keep from spontaneously combusting when the earth gets jiggy with it. *
*Sorry. I haven’t gotten to Google anything for anyone in awhile. This seemed like an excellent time to point out that you can Google almost anything and get results. The Internet is a hive mind, y’all.
A Simple Guide To Surviving An Earthquake**
Step 1: Always work in a defensive, seated posture. On a roll-y chair preferably. For safety.
Step 2: When the ground begins to shake, flail your arms wildly. Be sure to knock over any work-related apparatus that is in easy reach. Roll backwards in your chair and scream loudly, to helpfully warn your coworkers about the earthquake. They may not have noticed.
Step 3: Notice that the earth has great rhythm, Now is a perfect time to start dancing. This will help your fellow employees remain calm. Nobody wants to cause a panic. When this is over, you will be commended for your heroism.
BONUS! Boogeying helps you avoid dangerous falling objects!
Step 4: STOP. It is time to check your smartphone for other signs of the apocalypse. Be sure not to exit the building. The world outside is probably dangerous. Your coworkers are being impractical. Be sure to log into Facebook: In case of emergencies, it is it the most factual source of information.
Note: Be sure to stay away from doors and windows if Facebook and/or Twitter either mention signs of the apocalypse, or if your newsfeed is mysteriously absent of any mentions of a natural disaster.
Step 5: Outfit yourself to handle the impending breakdown of society. Stockpile weapons and food. If time allows, build a desk fort.*
*If building has collapsed in initial ground shaking, disregard steps 2 through 5.
I hope this PSA helps at least some of you survive the next earthquake. Much of this advice was gathered from research performed on how my coworkers here in the south attempted to deal with the planet wobbling. It was a very informative experience.
**Some of you may remember this PSA from a Facebook Album I did. Good job knowing me for so long, but stop stalking me. It’s creepy.***
***Amazing. Totally amazing. It makes me feel like I’m Internet famous!