Nonsense

Nonsense covers random thoughts and ramblings.

“Got” Is a Super Versatile Word

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Or: English Is Weird and Also My Favorite Thing

Since I work in marketing, I have a tendency to avidly watch for interesting campaigns everywhere I go*. Magazine ads, billboards, commercials, graffiti…I’m always peeking at the ways commercialism is invading our lives.**
*This actually has nothing to do with the fact that I work in marketing, and everything to do with the fact that I have the attention span of a gnat.
**Hurray! Job security!

It’s everywhere, y’all.

So when I was driving around the Queen City (the QC if you’re hip, which clearly I am not, since I spell it out), it wasn’t really surprising that a billboard caught my eye.*** Specifically, THIS billboard:
***Distracted me into the horrifying realm of nightmarish possibilities.

This is a regrettable situation

Because having spiders is something people frequently ask others about.
Click for source and to rid your living space of spider infestations!

Got….Spiders?

NO NO NO NO NO. Is that even a thing that can happen?!**** But that brings up the whole idea of context clues and English.
****Of course it is. And of course I Googled it to make sure. And of course I will never sleep again.

Take, for example, the Got Milk ads for comparison:

Everything is so...so...blue

Because who needs the sweet nourishment of Earth’s yellow sun when you can instead binge on milkshakes?!
Click for source.

Let’s break it down, here. “Got milk?” is asking if you’ve got something you may lack, something you desire.

“Hey, got milk?”
“Actually, no, but I DO have cookies and so now I really want some. Gimmie!”

But only because I've had cookies.

All things worth desiring are on fancy columns or pedestals. Is that not how your life works?

“Got spiders?” is asking you if you’ve somehow ended up in the exact situation frequently illustrated by my nightmares.

“Hey, got spiders?”
“YES AND PLEASE BY ALL THAT IS HOLY COME AND SAVE ME.”

NONONONONONONONO

Science has taught me that if it can pop up in your most awful dreams, it’s probably also a real thing. So, flying spiders.

This applies to more things than actual ads. See if you can identify the positive usage and the negative usage!

“Got doubloons?”

I had to google how to spell doubloons, because words

Doubloon mountain is probably guarded by flying spiders.

“Got monsters?”

Grrrr. Arrrgh.

This is less scary than flying spiders.

I know, I know, this has been a very challenging quiz. But if you said the doubloon pile was the negative usage, you’re right! Because it’s guarded by flying spiders, which are more awful than monsters!

English. It’s all about the context.

I Am Not Even a Little Bit Country

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No matter what y’all think.

Today’s Blog Post Is Brought to You By How Late I Was Stuck at Work on Tuesday

A few years ago, my brother was living in Texas with his family.

Texas was never my favorite state. I don’t listen to country music. I don’t drive a big truck. I don’t know how to line dance. I have exactly zero understanding of how cattle are herded.*
*But I am super good at making sweeping, inaccurate assumptions about things people like in Texas.

But I really wanted to go visit. And so I went. And you know what?

I found something I really, truly love.

MAH BOOTS

They do, in fact, look this stylish in real life.

Forget glass slippers. Cinderella was clearly clueless about footwear. Cowboy boots are the most magical shoes. For one thing, they let you swagger with every step. For another, you automatically pose like a gunslinger when wearing them – even in normal, everyday, non-gun-slinging situations!**
**Which is every day of my life, because I am the worst at being southern and don’t own a gun. All southern friends are responsible for my survival in a zombie apocalypse. Hi friends!

Yee haw!

Ahem. Yee-haw?

For another thing, they are more comfortable than slippers.

Mmm...comfy

Bye bye bunnies…Oh come on guys. They’re slippers. Don’t call PETA.

But best of all, I can wear them to work under my fancy pants, and no one knows but me.

Ok, maybe i should rephrase that

And that’s all a girl ever wants. Secret boots. And fancy pants.

I Do Not Understand People Who Flirt At the Gym

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Since I happen to think that cake and marshmallows are two of the essential food groups, it’s pretty important that I hit the gym on a regular basis.*
*When I feel like it and am not busy eating cake and marshmallows.

Nutrients are for the weak

This is why I go to the gym.

Which means that when I go to the gym, I’m going to burn as many calories as humanly possible**. I’m not going to flirt. I’m not even going to make eye contact with people, just in case they might later recognize me in public after having seen me at the gym.
**So I can eat cake for dinner.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I have cute workout clothes. They make me feel perky and healthy and dedicated to running.
A miracle, because I hate running. I hate it with the fire of a thousand suns.

Workout pants are almost as cute as yoga pants

Facial enthusiasm in this image is provided for demonstration purposes only, and in no way accurately reflects my face on the way to go work out.

And everything goes well for a little while. Running feels freeing and joyous, and I periodically think I must look very charming and possible flirt-with-able.

But this is still better than my attempt at drawing an elliptical

Clearly I have no idea how to draw a treadmill.

But then things take a turn.

I should have drawn an elliptical

Seriously. That doesn’t look at ALL like a treadmill.

And then things start to get sweaty…

This is probably because I hate treadmills.

I have drawn the biggest treadmill in all the land.

And by the time I’ve successfully finished my run, I look inches away from death.

Seriously. This is an awkward treadmill

Do your treadmills not beep to signify the end of your torture? It’s like angels are singing.

And guys, I am not the only one. The gym is full of people who look like they might have a stroke at any moment, smell like a melting foot, and are huffing and wheezing like asthmatic bears.

Hurray!

YES! I didn’t have to draw a treadmill for this one!

This is not conducive to flirting.

And yet, every time I go work out, I see women batting their eyelashes at weight-lifting men, and men flexing extra for women strolling on the ellipticals****. This is not what the gym is for, people.
****And men flexing extra for other men while lifting weights. That happens, too. None of you are off the hook here.

It’s for looking like you might die so you can have wine and cake for dinner.

Mmmmmmm

Dating Is Really Complicated

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I know it may be hard to believe*, but I generally don’t spend a whole lot of my time dating. I mean, I can indulge in online dating with the best of them, but that’s never really worked out in my favor in the long run. I’m not very good at convincing the male half of the population that I am mysterious and date-able.
*Unless you’ve been reading this blog for a while.

Awkward...

Apparently guys don’t have a resounding appreciation for spontaneous sock puppet shows. I wish someone had told me.

But every now and then, a guy comes along that convinces me that dating is absolutely fun and worthwhile.

I don't know what you mean. I am totally normal.

What? Doesn’t every girl stand with her hands behind her back all the time?

Being asked out is fun. It’s exciting and fills the world with all sorts of possibilities. But then, trouble strikes.

AHHHHHHH

Trouble always seems to strike me in the form of complicated hair products.

There is always a flurry of activity as I try to remember how to be a real girl – one who has a working knowledge of eyelash curlers and a steady hand at eyeliner and mysteriously perfectly white teeth.

Ow Ow Ow

This is an accurate depiction of date preparation. Sometimes there are injuries.

All of this is to achieve the apparent goal of looking like a perfect stranger by the time the aforementioned guy comes to pick me up.

Probably

I think the goal really might be to convince guys that we women are magicians.

I do not know why this is. I have to assume it’s not just me who does this. But either way – dating is really confusing and complicated and requires a remarkable amount of preparation.

So maybe some day I’ll actually date someone long enough to just stay in.

This ALSO explains a lot about my lovelife.

Because it is very important to judge dates based on their sock puppet skills.

Planet Earth Is Out to Get Us

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I should probably not be allowed to have the Internet, y’all. It only leads to trouble. And I probably shouldn’t be allowed to have TV, either.* In fact, for the benefit of everyone, I should probably be denied access to libraries, microscopes, and conversational scientists, too.
*But I am an ADULT with a JOB, therefore I can have both, just like I can eat candy for dinner and no one can stop me. The world is a wonderful place. Except for everything in the rest of this post.

Basically what I’m saying here is: I’m addicted to Discovery Channel specials, Animal Planet, and anything that has ever been written or filmed about enormous and weird animals, insects, arachnids and parasites.

Also everything in the ocean. Everything in the ocean is terrifying and amazing.

I have a weird fascination with all the most horrifying things on the planet. They make me happy. They give me nightmares**. They make me pathologically terrified to go swimming in Florida, or ever visit the Amazon. I am also completely unable to change the channel or close the book or click on a different website once I’ve found one of these Earthbound monsters.
**The nightmares don’t make me happy. But the KNOWING things does. It’s a vicious cycle. If I didn’t know, then how would I avoid being eaten by Greenland sharks during my many frequent beach trips to Greenland?

You have to know thy enemy, people. And that is why I am sharing some of my favorite ways our planet is clearly shaping up to be a horror movie:

Monster earthworms as big as people? Can’t be true. Wait…it’s true? I saw Tremors. Please, please tell me more.

Nope Nope Nope

Kevin Bacon recommends never lying next to giant worms.
(Click for Source.)

(It’s called a “Giant Gippsland Earthworm” and it’s so big you can hear it moving through the ground.)

Jellyfish that are so big they won’t even notice you’re caught in their horrifying jelly tentacles? WHERE CAN I FIND THEM?!

Nope Nope Nope

Swim away! Swim away!
(Click for source.)

(Ok, so they might notice. They’re called Lion’s Mane Jellyfish and you only think they aren’t planning to eat you. Give them time.)

This spider. It exists. Some people keep them as pets and I strongly believe those people should not make more people.

NOPE NOPE NOPE

NO NO NO NO NO NO. Someone call John Goodman. I also saw this movie.
(Click for source)

(This is the Goliath Birdeater Tarantula. And now you know.)

Untreated pond or stream water – especially in third world countries – is sometimes full of parasites that eat your brain? This is information that will be relevant to all parts of my life living in a first world country!

Nope Nope Nope

I am never swimming again. Parasites are invisible monsters, y’all.
(Click for source.)

(This is Naegleria fowleri and it loves to live in your brain and eat it all up.)

I know that talking about supersized squid is all the rage, but guys, the Colossal Squid is a real thing. And we all know it’s just lying in wait. Probably to grow bones so it can retain it’s horrifying shape on land while eating us all.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

IT HAS A BEAK UNDER THOSE TENTACLES.
(Click for source.)

(This is actually and scientifically called a “Colossal Squid,” and science says it doesn’t want to eat you, but sometimes science just doesn’t want us to have nervous breakdowns.)

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg of horrifying things that totally live on our planet and make it 1,000,000% more awesome. So check your couch for giant spiders and curl up for some Animal Planet specials, because we all have a lot to learn before the opening credits end on this horror-movie-to-be.

P.S. – I super love nature and I want all these things to live forever, because the world would be super boring without them.