Because it’s time for a feel-good moment on the Internet that doesn’t involve kittens.* We’re taking the web back, people.
*That’s a lie. I WISH this involved kittens. More things should probably involve kittens. Not that I’m a cat lady or anything.
One of my very favorite people in the whole world** recently got stuck in the unfortunate position of having to hunt for a “new” car. “New” is justifiably in quotes, because what it really means is “new to her and hopefully functional, because she’s in grad school due to being brilliant, but that doesn’t yield a lot of money.” So really, my usage of “new” is practically an abbreviation.
**It’s a fierce competition to be my favorite. There’s a whole point system and everything. It’s a pretty corrupt system.
The good news is, she’s a terribly inspiring person. And what she inspired among her friends and husband was this: teamwork. Teamwork to find her a new car.
And in the process, we pretty much solved all our financial problems.
I’d like you to meet the world’s most exciting limo service:
***Please note. This is courtesy of Craigslist, which as we previously discussed, has everything. But it is really important to note that all this ad says about a zombie limo is: “Great car. Nothings wrong. Come see it and make an offer.” Which, uh, kind of makes me think it’s full of actual zombies.
Shortly to be run by a conglomeration of very responsible people***.
***My friends and I. Go on. Trust us.
It’s going to be the best ride ever. We just have a few questions first:
- Why are there no inside photos of this vehicle?
- Does the inside of this vehicle smell like hookers, death and meth?
- Is this vehicle for the safe transportation of people AVOIDING zombies, or is it for the transportation of zombies from place to place? We have to know our market, people.
Either way, I’m pretty sure this is a lucrative opportunity. And it goes hand in hand with the complementary joys of the obviously necessary catering accomplice:
Because what’s the point in transporting people avoiding zombies/zombies who need to travel if you can’t FEED them along the way? I mean, if we’re transporting zombies, we can use this concession stand to lure unsuspecting people close to the limo, where they will thusly become food for the zombies. And if we’re transporting regular, not-rotty people, they will need to be fed.
Shaved ice is very nourishing, I hear.
This is only the beginning though, people. We’ve begun a plot to buy up all the zombie-related vehicles in the nation and do a North American food tour.
I now present to you THE PLAN:
It’s kind of the best thing ever, right? I mean, we’re ahead of the game embracing the career potential of the impending zombie apocalypse, AND we’ve found more than one vehicle for my friend.
The lesson to be learned here is: Teamwork Can Solve All Your Vehicular and Financial Problems****
****And also by the consolidated efforts of me, Max Power^, and K.B. Toys^^, with the willing participation of our car-shopping heroine,
^Not his real name
^^Also not his real name
P.S.: Hey guys, guys! Canada and Bahrain and Australia and the UK found my blog! Bahrain! And look how much Canada! LOTS of Canada!
This is the best day ever.
Girl, you clearly have an eye for lucrative business ventures. I want to be all up ons that shaved ice zombie rickshaw.
Thanks! Zombie shaved ice is totally safe AND delicious! Just picture it – zombie shaved ice while riding in a zombie limo! Or…running away from a zombie limo…I’m still not totally sure about that part of the plan yet.
Yeah I’m gonna need you to unravel that mystery, let me know, and then we’ll be all good to go.
Good point. I’ll make sure the living-or-undead-ness requirements of all limo occupants are worked out BEFORE I launch the Kickstarter.
We’re going to need you on board to remind us* about essential pre-business decisions like these.
*me. It’s really just me who needs the reminding.
Haha you got it! And oh, I love the idea of this as a kickstarter, heeeyyy!
As it so happens I’m out of work at the moment. I have an impeccable driving record, but don’t hold that against me. I only haven’t committed vehicular homicide because it is legally, morally, and ethically frowned upon. I have equal lack of problems transporting or destroying zombies. I also can cook. Is there room in this delightfully Dixonsian journey through the zombie apocalypse for one more?
Absolutely. And we won’t even put you in charge of pizza.
…Maybe. Actually, I don’t promise that. I really like pizza.
I’m pretty good at it. It’s a shame you never came by NYP while I was working there.
I am gonna miss making pizzas. That was so much fun.