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Yesterday, I Told an Untruth

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I was all “Normal blogging will return on Friday.” But apparently I didn’t mean it. Because today I slept in* and heartlessly ignored you, the Internet, until this very moment.

*VACATION, y’all!

Boy Scouts are WAY more prepared than I am. Probably Girl Scouts are, too.

It’s not my fault. I’ve been reading the Cracked DeTextbook and finding out how I’m wrong about everything. Oh, and I got a new phone.

Bad, Bad Apple

It’s GOLD, guys! GOLD.
Apple is enabling my American materialism.
Bad Apple.

The above glorious example of technological glory is why I’ve completely ignored you Internet. I’m sorry.**

**Not really. I haven’t had a new phone in years and years and years and I love it as much as kittens.***
***Just kidding. kittens. I love you best.

So, basically, I’ve been dedicating myself to expensive toys and present forts and that is VERY distracting, but eventually I will return to you, Internet. I could never forget you.

This is why I took a Thanksgiving hiatus.

It’s Not Christmas Anymore and that Means I Slept in

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And didn’t write a blog post for this morning because, well, yesterday was Christmas, and there are some serious limitations on my preparedness relating to holidays.

As a side note, present forts are both the most amazing and most depressing form of forts. On the plus side, they’re colorful forts MADE OF PRESENTS. But the truth is, they’re also forts destined to fall, because, well, they’re made of presents and I have exactly zero patience when it comes to waiting to unwrap things.

So, since I have nothing else interesting to say today, here is a picture of creepy children in a live swan:

WHY IS THAT SWAN ALIVE?

I was going to use this to make you all a Bathtub Party Day* invite, but then I found out Bathtub Party Day is totally a copyrighted holiday.
Click for source.

*This is a real holiday. It is on December 5. You are welcome.

I’ll be back to normal blogging tomorrow, just in time for the week to end.

It’s Christmas and You Should be Drinking Breakfast Egg Nog Instead of Reading This

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Or, you know, hanging out with family and sharing love and joy and all. Whatever floats your boat.

But since you’re here anyway, you diligent blog-checker you, I will reward you with a picture of me in my Christmas jammies:

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtlres!

Happy Holidays, Internet. It’s not even a selfie. It’s just a really dumb-looking picture of me JUST FOR YOU.
And yes, those are Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Jammies. Because my family loves me.

Now go away and love your family. Even if you don’t celebrate Christmas, today is a super good day for hugs and morning booze.

Merry Christmas, y’all. I’ll be in the present fort.

PRESENT FORT

This is my present fort. Go away.

The Post Office in My City Is a Magical Place

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Hey guys. Don’t freak out or anything, but I just found the coolest place in the Queen City. 

Google Maps knows all the places

Please try to contain your excitement.
Image courtesy of Google Maps. Thanks, Google!

And it’s my local post office.

You may be wondering how this could possibly be. Everyone* knows that the post office is a circle of hell around the holidays – especially if you live in a city.

*All the people I mention my love of the post office to. Which actually IS everyone.

And I do, in fact, live in a city.

Real. City.

See? Big buildings = real city. Point proven.
This image is also thanks to Google Maps, which has way more geographical knowledge than I do.

See? See? There are cars. One of them is a taxi.** Just out of this shot is a wad of police cars, proving we have city-like crime. And we have a bustling metropolitan area with traffic and annoyingly complex parking structures.

**To be honest, this is actually the only taxi I have ever seen in my city. The South does not believe in taxis. 

But just forget all that when it’s time to go to the post office.***

***Unless you actually live in Uptown****, in which case, you are super screwed. Have fun waiting in line forever, suckers.
****Which is what the Queen City calls our downtown, because we’re all clearly out of our minds.*****
*****Also because our downtown is the highest geographical point in the whole city, which I hate knowing, because it takes all the fun out of the fact that we’re clearly out of our minds.

When it’s time to go to the post office, you’re going to travel through time and space and into a strange land. A land where rednecks are probably going to murder you to the Deliverance soundtrack, and people are totally selling boiled peanuts on the side of the road before Christmas.******

******Apparently this is a totally normal thing. I asked the guy. His name is Jim. I did not take his picture in case he was barely containing his Deliverance-murder instincts. 

Mmm...gun pie.

This is what is directly across the street from my nearest post office. This is clearly the liveliest part of this neighborhood.
Also, thanks again, Google Maps!

I even took a picture of my own to prove that my post office is not somehow just trapped on a strange country-town street. It’s literally an entire neighborhood that does not belong in a city.

WHERE DID THE CITY GO?!

No tall buildings, as far as the eye can see.

So basically, my drive to the post office was surreal. Also, unnerving and terrifying.

But by golly, I had Christmas presents to mail. And they were going to get there BY Christmas, for once.******* And so I persevered through this disturbing land, and finally got to the post office.

*******Despite the impression I give of clearly having everything together, I am notorious for giving people Christmas presents in, like, February.

Where everyone was smiling an happy. The Friday before Christmas. The place oozed a sort of zen I have never seen. It was like going to the post office in Mayberry********

********Which is also in North Carolina, as it happens. Check it out, y’all.*********
*********This is the most terrifying place in all of NC, in my humble opinion. But that’s a story for another day. 

It was MAGIC, guys.

In other news, if your Christmas shopping isn’t done, allow me to recommend this:

Because a knife is too complicated

Specially designed to be the most useless gift in the history of time. You can click here and buy 10 on Amazon.

The perfect gift to convince everyone that you are the worst gift giver of all time. It’s my new favorite thing on Amazon.

Inflation Is Even More Ridiculous Than You Think It Is

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Hey, you know these cookies? These classic, joyous little sugar treats? These festive reminders that the holidays are a celebration of calories?

More delicious pictures

These cookies are a lie. Spritz cookies never come out that vividly red or green. Don’t trust these cookies. They are for example only.
Click for source.

When I was a kid, we used to make them with the coolest cookie-making toy: The Super Shooter.

I miss this

Ours looked exactly like this. Except with more child-sized hand prints in red and green food coloring decorating the outside of the box..

Click for source. Or to buy me one.

It’s a magical cookie gun, guys. Unlike the super lame cookie presses of today, the Super Shooter was electric. You were leashed to the wall by a cord, demanding a certain level of cookie-making coordination that shaped my youth. It happily buzzed when you pulled the trigger, pushing cookie dough neatly* out onto the cookie sheet.

*Or everywhere. When a 7 year old is in charge, it pushes cookie dough EVERYWHERE onto the cookie sheet.**
**And the table. And the floor. And the wall. Ah, youth.***
***It’s possibly my spritz cookies came out as circles with Christmas-tree-shaped dents. Maybe. Shut up. Extra cookie is always delicious.

Because the ‘70s were all about convenience. Apparently. Anyway, this is my most favorite cookie device in the whole world. And while I’m sure it wasn’t free when it was originally sold, I’d like to make you aware of what Amazon thinks it costs:

Seriously?

Ignore everything that looks like a reasonable price. Someone thinks it’s worth $300.

The cost of convenience is going up, guys. I’m really worried.

In other news, the ridiculous-ness and late posting hour of this blog post are brought to you by the fact that I was very busy and important last night****. And in the interim, Russia found my blog.

****Harassing a friend who had to go to the hospital. Same thing, right?

Yay! Communism!

HI RUSSIA!

This has taught me two things:

  1. The media has convinced me that I should always be afraid that Russia is totally going to hack me and steal all my…Internet points? I dunno. I don’t get money through this site. Please don’t steal my Internet points.
  2. Russia is SO BIG.

I’ll be over here drinking coffee until I explode. Happy Tuesday, y’all.